Someone complained that I have not updated in a while. This is not because I'm lazy, or because this is just a stupid, one-shot side project that is no longer funny, or because I have run out of things interesting to say. Actually, all of those are probably true, but the real reason I never update is because I hate you.
Here's a Michael Jackson joke for you:
Q: What do you get if you watch Michael Jackson get his skull bashed open, Dahmer-style, in prison?
A: An erection.
OK, that's enough for today.
I don't know what lowering the trans-fatty acids has to do with my revolution of blood against all technology, but they actually don't taste that bad. I realize that in my manifesto, I talk about the need to hunt and kill game, and live off the land instead of supporting the food industry. But sometimes a quarter-pounder is good.
So since I last updated, we had a war on terror. I guess it's still going on, but I'm pretty pissed about it because all I got were some posters in the Post Office and a shitty made-for-tv movie on the Livetime network with that dork from the Airplane! movie playing my fucking brother. Meanwhile, they have a show on the news every night, plus the TV specials, the happy meal toys, the new terror scale, the airport security restrictions... I guess this Osama guy has done a lot more damage, but what has he written? I'm a talented mathematician, I've read a lot of Jospeh Contrad, and my manifesto has been published in newspapers. This guy, he only releases these shitty videotapes every once in a while, and they make as much sense as a Radiohead album or something. Get a ghost writer, you fuckwit! Talk to Judith Regan, she will set you up. I do like his beard, though. Do you like my beard?
So I'm watching Friends and reading The Poor Man's James Bond, and I suddenly remember: I have an extreme hatred for UPS, and I would love nothing more than to see a show like Survivor, except every UPS employee is on an island, and I'm shelling it with the 16 inch artillery cannon on the USS Iowa. After the triple-turret MK-7 406mm cannon have hurled tons of explosives onto the beach and I've launched all 32 of the Tomahawk cruise missiles at elevated points, killing most of the higher level executives, we starve the remaining people for two weeks, until they have to resort to cannibalism to survive. Then I fly over in a helicopter every day and tell them that food is on the way via UPS GroundTrak, and I never feed them. On the seventh day, I strafe the beaches, launch rockets at the survivors, and then land, with buckets of fried chicken and a cooler of ice cold beer. As the remaining employees run to greet me, I beat them to death with one of those brown clipboard computer things. Then Regis Philbin shows up to interview me on prime-time TV, and I shove the clipboard up his ass.
Okay, so I have issues with UPS. I also have issues with almost every other corporation, person, or place out there. I should just post the short list of people and things that don't piss me off, and call it a day. But it's much easier to keep this running commentary on livejournal. (And don't think I'm not pissed at them - when the hell are you guys going to upgrade servers?)
Like many of you, I hate a lot. And I hate nothing more than Ally McBeal. That says a lot, considering the amount of extreme, white-hot ill-will I have for most things technical and non-technical. But this anorexic little bitch bothers me on far too many levels. First of all, I don't watch her show. I don't have to because 12 million people within a one mile radius LIVE that show. So any time I want to see Ally McBeal, I just leave the house. New York has more women with eating disorders than Ethiopia. I personally like mine with a little meat on the bones (but don't get me started on that big-ass Jennifer Lopez - maybe next entry) Anyway, this rail-thin bitch teaches women that it's okay to be mentally retarded, that there is a lot of money and prestige into getting through law school, and that weighing 57 pounds is beautiful. The answer to all three of those is false, if you didn't already know. And whenever the ratings start to go into the shitter, they have her lez out with that "I'm an Asian bitch and that's in right now" bitch they have on the show to be affirmitive action. It's a crock, and everyone worships it, and someday somebody other than their screenwriters will deliver a bomb to their office.
Did I mention yet that I hate UPS? Oh yeah, I did.
So the Playstation 2 came out today, yet another piece of technology to warp the minds of those who would rather be controlled by evil corporations than enjoy life. Okay, so I'm pissed that I didn't get one. I was sort of hoping that the riots from the Playstation thing would meld with the riots from the World Series, and I'd sit on top of my building like Charlie Whitman and pick off looters with my AR-15. I'm not saying that I would take the law into my own hands or anything - I just want to shoot my neighbors. Anyway, I have heard stories about the Playstation 2s going for over a grand on eBay, which is just retarded. I think anyone who pays over $1000 for one of these things should be summarily executed. Bush and Gore are debating about how to increase test scores in schools - I've just given you a solution.
I should write some huge diatribe about my political beliefs, since the election is coming up. But I'm tired, and I want to download some pornography before bed. I know I should be preaching hard on the anti-technology front, but when you have a high-speed connection and a good server that carries alt.binaries.pictures.asian.lesbian.fisting - well, some things take priority.
I didn't mention it in my manifesto, but I hate weddings. Maybe this is obvious, seeing as I lived in a shack with no running water in the middle of Montana for a while, but I should further reiterate at some point why the idea of $40,000 of catering for $10,000 in shitty gifts seems like a losing proposition. Anyway, I hate people who spend inane amounts of money on weddings, I hate people who spend years planning weddings, and most of all, I hate people who get married and have children who, ten years later, buy these stupid fucking fold-up scooters I keep colliding with all over the city. Does anyone know who invented those, and if they have a street address, so I can "send them a book they need to read," if you know what I mean? Fuck!
Okay, I won't get into the wedding thing because it is still World Series week and I have a lot of other things to bitch about. Unlike people who hate things because their upbringing or their bible tell them to, I have a huge list of targets, I mean gripes, and maybe I will post them in the future. For now, I will focus on one stream of extreme hatred also known as VH-1.
I've got a TV. I'll admit it. I'm anti-technology and all, but I really like my DVD player, and nothing beats VHS for the occasional pornography marathon. But I won't pay those bastards at Time-Warner for their mind control. I will, however, hook up the cable anyway, just to see if I'm somehow getting latent signals from my neighbors through the 200 year old cable system. So I am getting like 7 channels. Five of them are Queens public access, which is mostly religious bullshit. I also get the TNN network, which isn't bad, but since they replaced ECW wrestling with that pussy WWF stuff, well - let's just say the president of Viacom better not open his own mail, unless he wants his wife opening the ketchup bottle from now on. That leaves VH-1, which is basically MTV on a heavy dose of Quaaludes.
First off, how many fucking times is VH-1 going to show that unauthorized movie on the Jackson family? During primetime, these jerkoffs are airing a movie most people wouldn't watch for free in 1983 during the beat-it heydey. Next, they spend an entire weekend kissing Vogue's ass with recycled recycled content on their stupid show. They were doing pop-up videos on the presentation of fake awards. And why are we supposed to think that everything Madonna does is groundbreaking? Her new video is a warmed-over ripoff of Kid Rock, and he wasn't exactly original in the first place with his white-boy, white-trash rap thing anyway. And why is Lenny Kravitz on that channel constantly? What has he done in the last five years, except model clothes from the Gap in his cookiecutter videos? I hate how MTV and VH-1 parade the same bullshit over and over and make people stuck in the Midwest think it's the latest trend. If you live in Nebraska and you think every one in New York is dressing like Faith Hill this week, do us both a favor, check out a copy of the Anarchist's Cookbook, and look into tamper-fused nitro-carbo-nitrates.
I liked the Behind the Music on Ice-T though. He's pretty funny.
Okay, I have some Potassium nitroaminotetrazole going in the oven, and I want to read a few more chapters of this Mick Foley book. I especially liked the part about the exploding ring match, but you know me.
I hate everyone. I hate you. I live on a prison of an island with something like twelve million people on it, and every day I find another reason why I want to buy a North Korean weapon and light the fuse underneath the fifty foot high sign of David Hasselhoff as Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde that stands in Times Square. I will hide under my bed with fifty years' worth of Snickers bars and then take joy in having to make my own candles out of the assfat of dead dogs, or whatever. I will miss DSL, but I will give up 384Kbps for $60 if the fucking idiot who stands outside my window every morning and screams at the top of her lungs for no reason will get it when the blast hits.
My heat is not working. As one who doesn't like technology, this may seem hypocritical, but heat isn't a fucking technology, it is a bunch of steam going through pipes. And my dago landlord hasn't turned on the heat yet, because he's a prick. Legally, he had to turn it on about three weeks ago, but this is New York. Landlords don't do much more than cash checks here, and anally rape you with a splintered piece of lumber whenever possible. It doesn't help that my landlord is this old mafioso wannabe fuck who doesn't understand why I was upset when my bathroom ceiling fell in and the room was raining fucking dirty bathwater at six in the morning. He started yelling at me because I was upset. He's Italian, so I guess I'll pull the old Il Duce and hang him by the ankles from a lamppost when I start my rampage.
I hate computers. Okay, so I am sitting in front of one - you got me there. But I hate upgrading computers, I hate supporting computers, I hate paying for them and then they never do what you want. I think the average American worker spends half of their time fucking with a computer instead of working. Sometimes I think if we went back to pens and pencils, some people would have a lot more free time. Of course, that's a bad thing. Read my manifesto, jerky.
Speaking of too much free time, the world series is in town. The subway series. Everyone expects me to pick my loyalty - Mets or Yankees. I don't care either way. Even if I liked sports, Baseball is second only to golf as the slowest and most boring. Five hours of guys running to the same four bases, scratching their crotches on TV? Even if it were chicks in those tight pants, I don't think I could make it. And these fucking New Yorkers are so religious about this. These are people who wouldn't pay $10 to get their kid a new jacket for winter, but they'd shell out three grand for tickets. Watch the thing on TV, for christ's sake. If you want the energy of the crowd, sit in the parking lot with a portable set. And I'm already stockpiling ammunition for when the riots begin. Our team won! Let's burn down our neighborhood! What a bunch of dumb fucks.
Okay, I need to update this thing and see if it actually works. I'm not exactly pro-technology, you know.